Stand firm and don’t compromise (in romantic relationships)

It is often said that in order to create a viable relationship, we need to compromise. We are told that we need “to give some” and our counterpart needs to do as much. In fact, many principles of modern-day negotiation are based on this: “you give up some, I give up some” and the net result is that we have to unhappy parties who were unable to fulfill all their basic human needs.

The problem with this inefficient model is that it leaves two people (or more, if you are living an open relationship) feeling they "have left too much money on the table". And if this happens only once, well, I guess it is a case of forgive and forget. Yet, in most instances, we turn this “compromise and lose yourself in the relationship” model into an art, an art that in the long run leaves us – and the relationship - sad and empty, simply because we are not living to the full potential of ourselves and we are not living to the full potential of our relationship. How often, to my dismay, when sitting in restaurants, do I see those couples who have, clearly, been together for a long, long time, look past each other, in the distance, with nothing left to tell each other. How sad do I find that !

By now, I can almost hear you say: “this is all very well, yet what other options exist?”

To go into this world of options, I would like to introduce you to a few fundamental aspects that all too often get ignored about the “workings of humans” and to do so I’ll digress into the world of mobile/cell phones, yet, before that, let me start with a few points:

• Human beings are constantly trying to fulfill basic human needs, with any action we take, with any word we utter, with any thought we have. By the way, for those of you who, like me, are interested in the scientific evidence behind all this, feel free to e-mail me, and I will send you all the scholarly articles you may wish to read.
• Most of us are unclear on our own basic human needs, except for a few easily identifiable ones, such as, for example hydration. The action we take to fulfill that need for hydration, is drinking some fluid. This is a pretty obvious basic human need to any of us, so is the action/strategy we use. It gets trickier when we go out in the world and do other things. So let’s play together if you are willing to join me:
  • “What basic human needs are you trying to fulfill when you buy/get a contract with a mobile phone operator?”
    To help you find the answers to that question, here is a very simplified “wheel of basic human needs”. Try to see which broad category it fits in. Please share with all of us ! Leave a comment below in which category it fits for you. Is it participation?

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    Illustration: Simple wheel of Max Neef's
     needs by V Nicolas and A McIntosh

     Or perhaps affection (a strategy to keep in touch with those you love)? Or is it creativity (you use your cell/mobile mostly to connect with your co-workers to share ideas)? Or perhaps all of the above? Share below and let’s start a conversation, ask us anything you’d like! 

Back to intimate relationships. And I am going to ask you the same question we had about mobile phones: “What basic human needs are you trying to fulfill when you get into an intimate relationship?”

Again you can use this simplified wheel of needs to find some of the basic answers and equally, I hope that by now you can see how useful determining your basic human needs can be to create clarity within ourselves as to why we pursue a particular action in life.

Let’s narrow it down a bit more and focus on the subject that I introduced in the title: “no compromises”.

It is a huge subject and here I have room only an introduction, so, if all this speaks to you and you wish to go into more depth, my team and I at the Online Academy for Communication would be delighted to introduce you to it, for free, in our tester course, which you can access here. In it you will learn, among other things, the importance of empathy and self-empathy to identify these basic human needs, so that you can go on in life, and create strategies that really work for you, as an individual. If then you wish to take it further, we would love to welcome you to our one-year certified course, during which we will share with you a much, much more detailed list of basic human needs, among many other things.

Let me come back to the “no compromises”. Once you have identified your basic human needs, and once your partner has identified their basic human needs, you can start sharing on a completely different level. At the level that all human beings share, of basic human needs. Now, we can emphatically relate to and connect with each other. So the question is now: “Why is this so useful?”

Because if I recognize in you the same “stuff” that is happening in me too, I can reach out to you and understand you, without putting you in the category of “the people who are coming in from the wrong angle” or, for that matter, without putting myself into the category of “the people with whom something is wrong”.

So, if nobody is “right” and nobody is “wrong”, then we have some kind of plane, level playing field in which we can recognize each other in our full capacity and in our full humanity. Two people, naked at the level of the inner workings, meeting with the deepest desire to connect and create a loving space between each other.

So, after this clarification, on to the next step:

Once we have been able to connect to each other at this level, we can let the strategies come into play.

What usually alienates us from one another is our “stuckness” in our position. We get entrenched. He does not yield. She does not yield. I do not yield.

Time for the great, big, old “however” here...

However...if I have been able to hear my basic human needs and you have been able to hear your basic human needs and we have been able to share them in an open, receptive and caring space, we are ready to move on and create strategies that work for us both. For example, if the problem was that “he 1” wants to go to the cinema with “he 2” and “he2” wants to go cycling instead, we have a situation of conflicting strategies, hence, in all likelihood two people who will fly into each other’s faces.

If on the other hand “he 1” and “he2” have acquainted themselves with each other’s basic human needs, they are both able to “sit down” and find joint strategies that accommodate all basic human needs of them both. Cinema and cycling do not exclude each other, rather, they can complement each other, at different times of the day. Voilà...new strategy that works for all found.

No compromises needed; all needs of all people involved are met. Is it really that simple? Yes, if there is a deep desire to connect with ourselves and the counterpart, by at least one party.

And to conclude this article, I know this might seem daunting at first; it’s like learning a new language so don’t worry, we will hold you by the hand. Join us now, the introduction is free and thank you so much for taking the time to read all this.