Away from pain and frustration in intimate relationships. A fast, easy 4-step approach.

This is the first chapter of my FREE e-book, "in 4 steps, to a healthy romantic relationship". In it I share with you the exact method, step-by-step, for reaching a point where no issue is...an issue for long, so go to my website  (by clicking here) now to download it. 

There are many factors that go into creating a healthy romantic relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time together. It helps if we have, in other words, strategies in common. It helps if, for example, we both like to play tennis. It is

Having "things in common" helps. It's not enough though

a strategy that we both use to fulfill our need for playfulness and relaxation, perhaps.

It also helps if we have common understanding around such hot topics as religion and spirituality, around politics, sex, money, children, personal growth and the list goes on.
Yet, as a couple, you can have all of these elements in place and still not have a loving relationship, that is, if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the romantic relationship work.

This essential ingredient?

The willingness to accept that all of us act based on the desire to satisfy our basic human needs.

Why is this element so important?

Because whatever action we take on this planet, whatever strategy we implement in our daily life, it is based on the - often subconscious - desire to fulfill our basic human needs. When I shared this with a friend of mine, he made himself very upset: “Does that mean that we are all totally selfish? What about people like Mother Theresa?”. In his mind, my words translated to: “Your theory suggests we do not care about anyone. What nonsense!”. It took me quite a bit of time and energy to help him see that it means something substantially different. It means that when we reach out to others, we probably fulfill our needs for sharing, contribution, participation, community,

Understanding basic human needs are the essential glue

cooperation, empathy, mutuality and probably many, many more.

As in the earlier example, I explained we choose to play tennis as a strategy to fulfill our need for playfulness, perhaps also for harmony. When the strategy is that of ordering a Coke, we are fulfilling our need for hydration and while ordering a burger (this is the strategy), we are fulfilling that need for food.

We could, of course, be fulfilling those needs with different strategies: by simply drinking a glass of water and eating a slice of bread. Or a beer and a pasta dish. Or tea and sushi.

Why is this distinction between strategy and need so important?

It is fundamental, because most of us are acutely unaware of our basic human needs. That is where the relationship problems start and in my own experience, I would add, that even more importantly, this is where they end, too (lots of recent university studies confirm this. Ask me for more details if you are interested).

I was recently with an acquaintance of mine. It was early morning. I said “good morning”. She replied: “Hi”. I went further and asked: “how are you today?”. I was genuinely interested in knowing this. She hissed back: “I wish you didn’t ask. I really don't want to speak in the morning”.

While it was a bit of a shock to receive this answer, with this kind of energy, as a coach I am well-trained to be at the receiving end of it.

So, at a later stage in the day, I inquired further. I was able to learn from this person that in the morning she really wishes to meet her need for peace, by using a strategy of remaining silent and by having quiet surroundings. No music. No sounds from outside (the power of double glazing). No talking. Equally - and here I am going to introduce you to the “win-loose game” applied to ourselves- this person meets her need for rest with a strategy of getting up at the very last minute before going to work. By doing so, at the same time, she does not meet her need for ease and harmony as, every working morning, she is in a stressful, tense rush. A “win-loose game” with herself. If she were fully aware of all her needs, she would, in all likelihood, choose different strategies, to fulfill all those needs she has, creating a “win-win game” with herself.

So, anyway, where does her hissing come from?

From her not being aware of her basic human needs. From not having touched upon the importance of identifying her needs for ease and harmony and space. In everyday language, my inquiring about her health was the last drop and she took her tense energy out on me, instead of “owning it”. She took this action, pursued this strategy, instead of acknowledging that she is the only person on this planet able to create peace and harmony in her life.

Try now to imagine what could have happened if this had been a different setting. A different situation. Instead of “a Jerry-with-counseling-skills and his female acquaintance”; two persons involved in a romantic relationship. What would have happened?

Probably hell would have broken loose. Both parties would have taken it

When we don't hear each other we create distance

personally. Both parties would have gone into some kind of blame-game.

If, on the other hand, both parties had been able to see that individual needs were not met, the dialogue could have taken on a different shape.

For example, acquaintance and/or lover could have said: “I observe your interest in my health. I feel happy about that. In the morning I meet my needs for space and harmony by having a quiet moment (notice that this “quiet moment” is her strategy). Are you willing to postpone the conversation till I come back from work?”

Now, while this formula might sound a little artificial or robot-like (yes I am a fan of Futurama, by Matt Groening, the same author of the Simpsons…) it includes the four basics of needs-based communication:

An observation: “I observe your interest in my health”. An expression of feelings: “ While I feel happy about that...”. An expression of needs: “...in the morning I meet my needs for space and harmony...”. And, finally, a clear, doable request for the counterpart: “ Are you willing to postpone the conversation till I come back from work?”

Notice that my interlocutor is very fluent in needs-based communication. She even tells me what the strategy is that she employs: “...by having a quiet moment...”

Why is this level of clarity so important?

Because with a similar formula to the one above (create your own and share it with me please so we can “compare notes”) we actually take responsibility for our needs and for how we feel, for where we are, metaphorically speaking, in life. We don't blame anything on others, or on our environment or on ourselves, either. We become observers. Once we become observers, we are really fine-tuning the art of being in touch with ourselves. And when we are in touch with ourselves, we can start using different strategies that are in tune with what we value. Pretty simple in fact, don't you find, too?.

And just as a reminder, this is the first chapter of my FREE e-book, "in 4 steps, to a healthy romantic relationship". In it I share with you the exact method, step-by-step, for reaching a point where no issue is...an issue for long, so go to my website now to download it. (www.plunfy.wix.com/buena-onda-counsel) I would love to hear back from you after you read it, in particular, after how many days of practicing this simple formula did you see an improvement in your relationship(s)? Based on my suggestions, what were you able to do quickly that created a shift in your relationship? I look forward to your e-mail: wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com or on Facebook: @buenaondacounseling