How to create emphatic and loving relationships. You ask, I answer.

This is the first in a series of articles that I wrote, based on questions I receive. Please send me more questions ( wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com) and, if you find this article useful, please like our page on Facebook ( https://www.facebook.com/communicationandmore ).

It is often said that in order to have a happy intimate relationship, we need to compromise. The other person gives up some, I give up some and that way we reach a point where you have two people who are giving up. With this article I’ll show you that there is a much better way.

Meet Janet and Mark (I changed the names to guarantee privacy). I work with Janet, as she is the one to realize that their relationship is fast steering towards the rocks. Janet and Mark have a business together.

Janet finds some of the things that Mark does, in his everyday dealings, very difficult to accept, and she is building up more and more resentment towards him as he seems, in her words: “not to care”.

Janet and I decide to work on one specific thing that Mark does and that she finds really, really hard to deal with.

According to Janet, Mark leaves his tools, such as screwdrivers, hammer, wrenches, etc...right in front of the entrance of their business, causing visual clutter and, sometimes, as screwdrivers have a tendency to roll, they create a situation where guests need to jump over them.

Janet tells me she has addressed this issue with Mark several times, with no change.

Over the weeks that we work together, we are able to clarify a few things:

First, that when Janet sees the tools by the entrance to the business, she gets disturbed because some of her basic human needs are not met, specifically:

beauty (she perceives them as ugly at the entrance)

harmony (similar to the above)

cooperation (Mark leaving tools there even after she addressed it with him)

consideration (this and all following needs, similar to the above)

inclusion

mutuality

to be heard

safety (clients could trip over them)

Secondly, that because of lots of similar events in their relationship, in which messages seem to get lost in the ether, her level of resentment has reached historical levels and that, if we want to put it on a time-scale, she is at 1 minute to twelve, in terms of quitting the relationship. On the other hand, she deeply cares about him and the relationship and is really, really desperate to find a way to communicate with him, as she realizes that she is not managing.

Thirdly, related closely to point number two, we are able to identify that her way of communicating is mostly based on threats. Even when she doesn’t use the actual words, she is still falling into the retaliatory formula: “if you don’t do this, I will do that”. Clearly, when we address anyone in this way, we get a protective reaction from them as they feel threatened, and their fight-flight-freeze mechanisms kick in.

With these three points, we were able to get quite some work done over a period of four weeks. We started by addressing point three: use of communication.

Janet was able to see that if she wanted to make headway, she needed to approach Mark with different communication skills. In particular, she needed to be able to develop different listening skills so that she would be able to relate to his basic human needs. Why is this important? Because when we meet at the level of basic human needs we are meeting on a level playing field, where the potential for human connection is extremely high. This level playing field is often referred to as empathy.

So, over the weeks we spent together, Janet was able to approach Mark with “big ears”, with the ability to actually, fully hear what he was saying about the tools being where he left them.

She was able to establish that this strategy that he chose was really used to fulfill his basic human needs for:

ease (having them close to him when he needs them)

self-expression (this and the ones below, related to the basic human needs for autonomy)

choice

freedom

independence

space

So can you notice how a very interesting thing is happening here? We have an almost mathematical equation being born here: we have narrowed things down to a few common denominators, a few basic human needs; basic human need that we all share and that we can relate to:

Janet has mostly needs for beauty and inclusion as most prominent ones, while Mark has needs for peace and autonomy as strong ones, in this moment of his life.

When we finally came to this point, it was easy to create some common working strategies between Jane and Mark. During one of the Skype get-togethers that Jane and I had, we started an exercise in creative thinking; in other words, we started creating a list of practical ways (strategies) that she could suggest to Mark, to fulfill the needs of both.

We started off the list with about 10 strategies and narrowed it down to about 2 or 3.

Now we were facing the moment of truth. Would Mark take to any of the strategies that Jane was about to suggest?

I was really keeping my fingers crossed and feeling intrepid, till our next meeting.

A week passed and we got back on tele-conferencing. I was waiting with excitement for news. Jane told me that, over the weeks that we had worked together, she had started to act quite differently with Mark. In a way,she was better able to see his “humanity” and to accept the points that she, until recently, had chosen to see as “flaws”.

By the same token, she was able to try and guess what his basic human needs were, after we built up a bit of “needs fluency” for her. In so doing, she was able to connect to him in a completely different way, coming from a point of love and care most of the time, without labeling Mark as “slob” or “lazy”. Furthermore, by doing this work, by exercising her mind in this way, she was able to come up with a strategy that worked for both:

The tools would, from now on, Mark agreed to this, be left at a certain distance from the door, in such a way that they would not be too prominent yet, in such a way that he could grab them without further ado.

I hope that this article has shown you how easy it is to connect, when there is will by at least one person to create deep and meaningful engagement, without the need to compromise by anyone.

If you would like to receive, for free, on a weekly basis our communication tips that could help you create crystal clear, misunderstanding free connections in situations like the one you just read about, then subscribe now ( https://people-and-communication.com/blog-archive/ ). If you prefer one-on-one sessions, I (Jerry) have always two free sessions available for you, that you can sign up for by emailing me ( wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com ). We all look forward to speaking with you! The team of Online Academy for Communication.

Away from pain and frustration in intimate relationships. A fast, easy 4-step approach.

This is the first chapter of my FREE e-book, "in 4 steps, to a healthy romantic relationship". In it I share with you the exact method, step-by-step, for reaching a point where no issue is...an issue for long, so go to my website  (by clicking here) now to download it. 

There are many factors that go into creating a healthy romantic relationship. Certainly it helps if two people have some things in common regarding how they like to spend their time together. It helps if we have, in other words, strategies in common. It helps if, for example, we both like to play tennis. It is

Having "things in common" helps. It's not enough though

a strategy that we both use to fulfill our need for playfulness and relaxation, perhaps.

It also helps if we have common understanding around such hot topics as religion and spirituality, around politics, sex, money, children, personal growth and the list goes on.
Yet, as a couple, you can have all of these elements in place and still not have a loving relationship, that is, if one element is missing. Without this essential ingredient, all the other wonderful attributes will not be enough to make the romantic relationship work.

This essential ingredient?

The willingness to accept that all of us act based on the desire to satisfy our basic human needs.

Why is this element so important?

Because whatever action we take on this planet, whatever strategy we implement in our daily life, it is based on the - often subconscious - desire to fulfill our basic human needs. When I shared this with a friend of mine, he made himself very upset: “Does that mean that we are all totally selfish? What about people like Mother Theresa?”. In his mind, my words translated to: “Your theory suggests we do not care about anyone. What nonsense!”. It took me quite a bit of time and energy to help him see that it means something substantially different. It means that when we reach out to others, we probably fulfill our needs for sharing, contribution, participation, community,

Understanding basic human needs are the essential glue

cooperation, empathy, mutuality and probably many, many more.

As in the earlier example, I explained we choose to play tennis as a strategy to fulfill our need for playfulness, perhaps also for harmony. When the strategy is that of ordering a Coke, we are fulfilling our need for hydration and while ordering a burger (this is the strategy), we are fulfilling that need for food.

We could, of course, be fulfilling those needs with different strategies: by simply drinking a glass of water and eating a slice of bread. Or a beer and a pasta dish. Or tea and sushi.

Why is this distinction between strategy and need so important?

It is fundamental, because most of us are acutely unaware of our basic human needs. That is where the relationship problems start and in my own experience, I would add, that even more importantly, this is where they end, too (lots of recent university studies confirm this. Ask me for more details if you are interested).

I was recently with an acquaintance of mine. It was early morning. I said “good morning”. She replied: “Hi”. I went further and asked: “how are you today?”. I was genuinely interested in knowing this. She hissed back: “I wish you didn’t ask. I really don't want to speak in the morning”.

While it was a bit of a shock to receive this answer, with this kind of energy, as a coach I am well-trained to be at the receiving end of it.

So, at a later stage in the day, I inquired further. I was able to learn from this person that in the morning she really wishes to meet her need for peace, by using a strategy of remaining silent and by having quiet surroundings. No music. No sounds from outside (the power of double glazing). No talking. Equally - and here I am going to introduce you to the “win-loose game” applied to ourselves- this person meets her need for rest with a strategy of getting up at the very last minute before going to work. By doing so, at the same time, she does not meet her need for ease and harmony as, every working morning, she is in a stressful, tense rush. A “win-loose game” with herself. If she were fully aware of all her needs, she would, in all likelihood, choose different strategies, to fulfill all those needs she has, creating a “win-win game” with herself.

So, anyway, where does her hissing come from?

From her not being aware of her basic human needs. From not having touched upon the importance of identifying her needs for ease and harmony and space. In everyday language, my inquiring about her health was the last drop and she took her tense energy out on me, instead of “owning it”. She took this action, pursued this strategy, instead of acknowledging that she is the only person on this planet able to create peace and harmony in her life.

Try now to imagine what could have happened if this had been a different setting. A different situation. Instead of “a Jerry-with-counseling-skills and his female acquaintance”; two persons involved in a romantic relationship. What would have happened?

Probably hell would have broken loose. Both parties would have taken it

When we don't hear each other we create distance

personally. Both parties would have gone into some kind of blame-game.

If, on the other hand, both parties had been able to see that individual needs were not met, the dialogue could have taken on a different shape.

For example, acquaintance and/or lover could have said: “I observe your interest in my health. I feel happy about that. In the morning I meet my needs for space and harmony by having a quiet moment (notice that this “quiet moment” is her strategy). Are you willing to postpone the conversation till I come back from work?”

Now, while this formula might sound a little artificial or robot-like (yes I am a fan of Futurama, by Matt Groening, the same author of the Simpsons…) it includes the four basics of needs-based communication:

An observation: “I observe your interest in my health”. An expression of feelings: “ While I feel happy about that...”. An expression of needs: “...in the morning I meet my needs for space and harmony...”. And, finally, a clear, doable request for the counterpart: “ Are you willing to postpone the conversation till I come back from work?”

Notice that my interlocutor is very fluent in needs-based communication. She even tells me what the strategy is that she employs: “...by having a quiet moment...”

Why is this level of clarity so important?

Because with a similar formula to the one above (create your own and share it with me please so we can “compare notes”) we actually take responsibility for our needs and for how we feel, for where we are, metaphorically speaking, in life. We don't blame anything on others, or on our environment or on ourselves, either. We become observers. Once we become observers, we are really fine-tuning the art of being in touch with ourselves. And when we are in touch with ourselves, we can start using different strategies that are in tune with what we value. Pretty simple in fact, don't you find, too?.

And just as a reminder, this is the first chapter of my FREE e-book, "in 4 steps, to a healthy romantic relationship". In it I share with you the exact method, step-by-step, for reaching a point where no issue is...an issue for long, so go to my website now to download it. (www.plunfy.wix.com/buena-onda-counsel) I would love to hear back from you after you read it, in particular, after how many days of practicing this simple formula did you see an improvement in your relationship(s)? Based on my suggestions, what were you able to do quickly that created a shift in your relationship? I look forward to your e-mail: wishyouhealthyrelationship@gmail.com or on Facebook: @buenaondacounseling